Trust to Die For
Kim
Jesus and I sat and had an intense conversation today. It was good to have the time to just sit down and enjoy talking with him without feeling rushed. Grad school and a full time job doesn't offer a ton of down time.

But during our time together, he impressed upon me a scripture "Yet he slay me, yet will I trust Him." I know the verse; I know what it means, but for the first time, I let the weight of those words really sink in. I have a hard time with trust, and to apply this verse to my life, the real truth of this verse, is a bit overwhelming.

When I pray this verse, I'm saying "God, even if all my hopes and ambitions and dreams are never fulfilled, even if I never get what I want, even if everything in my life falls apart, I will still trust that God has it under control." Do we really realize how heavy that is?? That's trust beyond my imagination.

I know that God wants me to trust Him that much. And I'm learning. But something else I realized is that trust that big has to have LOVE that big. God loves me so much, that he can watch me suffer in life, watch my disappointments, watch my foolishness and not give into my fleshly desires. He holds on to what is best for me. He loves me so much not to spoil me with ever fleeting whim. And even if that requires that all my wants and wishes die, He is protecting me. And when all my drama ends, when all my selfish desires seem at a loss, He steps in with exactly what I need for this life or the life to come.
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Late Night Stress Related Sob Fest
Kim
I just need someone to tell me what to do. I need them to make the decision for me that I can't seem to make on my own. Every time I think I have made up my mind, I become doubtful yet again.

I just need to sit down and have a good cry, and I'm sure by the time I post this blog, I will have had it. I'm just stressed. Completely, utterly, worn slap out. I teach plus grad school plus extra-curricular activities with school plus training for the class I am currently teaching. Through school, sleep, and Jesus in there and there isn't a free minute. And the world keeps spinning, and people don't stop having their lives because my life is busy. And I feel left out.

Lately, I haven't been able to connect with anyone or anything. I feel so useless and worthless. I feel unlovable, as if no one will ever really be able to accept the real me. And whether these things are true or not...it's how I feel right now and it's all a bit overwhelming.


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Tragedy
Kim
I just received extremely sad new; a former student of mine was killed instantly in a car crash earlier today. She was on my yearbook staff a couple of years ago and was one of the students that I was closest too, even after graduation. She texted me and kept in touch via Facebook. I saw her with her boyfriend at a softball game last week. She let me borrow her pony tail holder. I meant to get it back to her soon.

This is the 3rd student/former student that has passed away since school started in August. It's hard for me as a teacher to see life end so tragically, so abruptly. They aren't suppose to die. They are teenagers. But here I am, creating memorials for these students to put in the upcoming yearbook. Here we are comforting students who have lost their brother, sister, and friends.
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Blog's Behind but Life is Good!
Kim
I am sorry for the long delay between blog posts. Who knew life would get so busy? But, alas, I have scheduled time to write to those faithful followers that are left!

So a quick run-down of what has been going on in my life lately:

  • Grad school has been kicking my butt...so I kicked back! Scored a 102 on my first Intro to Counseling class and a 100 on my first counseling video! It's requiring a lot of work, but I'm managing. I may only take 1 class next semester because Spring Semester is usually my busiest at school. We'll see how it works.
  • I may have conquered my problem of procrastination...least for now. With everything on my plate (2 grad classes, 1 online training, monthly face to face training, etc) I can't afford to get behind. I've been doing a great job of staying on top of the game, if I do say so myself.
  • I got a DOG! He's a 2 year old Yorkie who is house trained and use to apartment life. Between my brother and I, I am sure we can manage him. If not, I'll reluctantly give him back. But for now, he's great and a perfect fit!

I can honestly say that God has been giving me strength, opening door, and giving me favor in my employer's eyes. Things have been going well and several other things are in the works as far as school is concerned. If you would have asked me a month ago, I would have told you that I was in over my head with no light at the end of the tunnel. Now I feel like I'm strolling through a grassy meadow with the sun shinning brightly on me. I'm happy, fulfilled, and truly trusting in the leading of the Lord!
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Isn't it Ironic?
Kim
My favorite line from the Alanis Morissette '90's hit, "Ironic", is "It's like meeting the man of your dreams....then meeting his beautiful wife..."

So with that opening line, you know that there is a back story, right. Here it comes.

My mom just underwent some serious surgery this week, and praise be to God, she is doing well and will be coming back home tomorrow. As a result of the surgery, I was sending out mass text messages to just about every contact in my cell to keep everyone updated.

After the 3rd or 4th text, finally declaring that mom was awake and doing well, I got a text from Good, Ole Boy asking "Did you take off work today?" So I texted back and said "No, I had grad school this afternoon, and mom refused to let me miss my 2nd class." And that, my blogfriends, was the entire conversation. I was never asked how she was neither was I told he was glad she was ok. Simply a random question with no purpose or response.

That doesn't surprise me at all, and I'm not bothered by it. I've come to expect it from him. Just seemed like typical, dumb guy stuff. But that's not the end of the story.

Today, one of the new coaches at school stopped me in the hall and asked me how my classes were last night. He then said, "Well how's your mom doing?" I was a bit taking a back. Did I tell him about my mom? How did he know? Then I remembered that he was in the room when I was talking to another teacher and he heard the conversation. So this super sweet guy remembered a conversation that I wasn't technically even having with him, and then asked me about it the next day!

So why aren't the available guys the nice ones? Why is this unattainable guy the one interested in my life and my concerns? How come a guy I actually had some semi-sort of relationship with didn't seem to care, but this semi-stranger did?

A little too ironic....Yeah, I really do think!
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Pity Party Cancelled!
Kim
I was just about to pop the top on the "Whine" and commence into a nice pity party. I was done wrong, I deserve better, and life just isn't fair. Then an uninvited guest showed up and busted up the party....the truth!

Perhaps I wasn't so innocent after all. I will give myself that I wasn't alone in the wrongdoing. I was definitely done wrong! However, I was just as guilty. I jumped to conclusions, assumed the worst, and ran with my assumptions. Being wronged doesn't justify bad thoughts, ill-feelings, or rude words. The situation should have been handled completely differently and perhaps would have spared a lot of drama and hurt feelings. I suppose I was too caught up with expecting the worst that I made it up all on my own. And knowing my actions would be found guilty in court may not change the future, it does change the present me.

So today I sucked up my pride and self-righteous behavior. I put away the whine and party supplies and went straight to the apology. The person I apologized to assured me that an apology wasn't warranted, and apparently he/she didn't think he/she needed to give one up either. But the apology wasn't necessarily for that person, it was for me. And it wasn't given to elicit one from the other person either. I needed to get it out of my spirit. I needed to be able to put it all behind me. I needed to know that I handled things the best way I could, even if it was from hindsight. I had to be the Christian I claimed to be, and I needed the healing.

So for all of those looking for some "whine and cheese", I'm fresh out. Party cancelled!
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1 Down....179 to Go!
Kim
Well today was the first day of school. I know....WAY TOO EARLY! People here in the MS Delta haven't figured out that most people don't start until Labor Day. Oh well, we will survive.

Today was actually a great first day. I am teaching a new class for both me and the school, Information and Communication Technology 1 (ICT1). I'm really excited about teaching computers and typing and all the cool gadgets I get for my room. The only set back is that my equipment hasn't come in yet. So I'm teaching a Technology class without Technology! It should be in soon, and I have several things to do before we even need to begin with the computers.

Besides starting this new class, I'll be attending 2 grad classes on the 19th. I am going to begin work on my Master's in School Counseling. I'm a bit nervous about handling the workload of teaching and learning, but I think I'm going to be able to balance it all. Perhaps it's for the best I'm not managing a new relationship as well. Least that's one less thing to worry with. However, if the right one comes along, I'll just have to balance! :)
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