There is a biological clock that ticks.  Sometimes it's so faint, I don't even hear it.  Other times, its tick-tock is more like a sonic boom in my ears, reminding me that my "best years" are quickly slipping by.

There have been times where I thought the clock's ticking was meaningless because my life was headed in the right direction.  The good guy in my life would lead to a proposal, house, family...to taking my rightful place in society.  Or, I was applying for jobs in big cities where I could live the single life seen in the movies...just fun and friends!

With the guys never seeming to pan out, I figured it was time to spread my wings and fly.  To become Miss Independent, far away from the small country life I have lived for so long.  And many, many people encouraged it.  There is no future here in Greenville, no real single friends my age, no possibilities for someone like me.  Then there were those that questioned, what are you going to do about "so-and-so", can you walk away from this responsibility, can you really leave?  Everytime I agreed that it would be hard and that my decision wasn't easy.  But could I honestly keep putting my life on hold for everyone else?  For anyone or anything else?

I can honestly say I've been torn.  I mean, my loyalty and familiarity wanted me to stay.  But that clock, that confounded clock, kept reminding me that I couldn't just sit back and watch my opportunities pass me by.  But then something got louder than the clock.  Something began to reverberate inside my brain.  It was like everywhere I turned, the same scripture was spoken, read, or seen. 

"There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends."

And soon I knew, I didn't have a choice.  I couldn't leave.  It may not be the life I wanted; it may be harder to silence the ticking clock, but I knew that I had to lay it all down.  I had to forfeit the life I thought I wanted, the life I thought I needed for the life that God wanted and needed for me.

And there is a peace now, that I've never quite experienced.  I wish that I could say I don't still long for the big city life or the marriage and family.  I do.  And sometimes, it's still a bit overwhelming.  Sometimes the clock still booms.  But there is a still small voice that reassures me, that this is where I'm suppose to be.  This is what I'm suppose to be doing.

And just maybe, the life I thought I wanted can merge with the life that I know I need.

So the other day I simply prayed "God, if you aren't going to restore this relationship, help me move on.  I'm ready to be through with this."  A few hours later I had an email from him saying "I'm moving on.  If you want to discuss this, we can, but after that I can't speak to you anymore.  I need to make some decisions with a clear conscious." 

And that was it.  Couldn't get more final than that!  Maybe if the email had come a few days or a week later.  But no, there was no mistaking this answer from God.  "You asked for it...poof!"  And there it was...the answer to what I had been praying for since September.  I'm not sure what made me pray that prayer that way on that day.  I'm not sure what made God answer the prayer with an email that quickly.  But whatever the reason, there was no denying that it was God.

And of course, it wasn't the answer I wanted.  It was infuriating.  Why now God?  Why answer this prayer now?  Why didn't you make it this final 6 months ago?  Why can't you restore it? I've spent this much time hanging on to certain things for it to end like this?  What am I suppose to do now?  If it's not him, will it ever be anyone?  Why are you saying no? 

And over the past week I have continually struggled with intense emotions of anger.  I can't recall ever having such fits of rage...wanting to break things and scream, yet not having any one to throw things or scream at.  And I've felt a lot of fear.  Fear that God will never have a yes answer for me.  A fear that God will always be telling me no.  And I go from wanting to throw things and scream, to wanting to crawl into bed and never get up.  And I've prayed that all the pain will just end, that I could just wake up in heaven and be done with life.

No, it's not cancer or some other terminal illness.  It's not the loss of a parent or a child.  It's not the end of the world...but it was an end to my world, my life, my hopes.  And it's my pain.  And it's real.

So , this morning at church I sang the song "The Hurt and The Healer" by MercyMe.  And finally I broke as I sang the second verse..."Breathe, sometimes I feel it's all that I can do, pain so deep that I can hardly move..."  The past week, the past few months...I have been there.  Just breathing, trying to make it through the day, plastering a smile on my face and pretending that I feel as happy as I let on.

I haven't felt the Healer has done much healing...but this morning, as I sobbed and croaked my way through the song, it all began to collide.  It wasn't instantaneous, complete healing, but I felt a bit of a release from the anger and fear. 

I know there will be days of frustration. I know that I will always battle certain insecurities as long as I'm in a human body.  But I feel like, I pray that, this whole ordeal will be one of those monumental turning points in my life, where I will look back and know that God was orchestrating the whole thing...and I'll be able to share when God collided with my hurt.

I think I have a twisted view of God.  But I'm not sure I can help it because it's the view I have of Him.  And our view of others is due to experiences and perspectives, and how can you change those?

So the backstory....I've always been ok with Greenville.  I mean, I love to travel, and I know this town is kind of a dump, but I've always been satisfied here.  I've been content with being near my family, being involved in church, and having a good job.  But over the past few years, especially this year, I have become distant from the town and the things that use to make me feel content.  Now the thought of being here another year makes me want to curl up and cry. My job is frustrating, and the fulfillment I once had is quickly dying out.

I won't lie, a big part of all this frustration is my dating life.  I've never had a lot of boyfriends, but I've always been so busy and had so many guy friends, that I was ok.  But then the past 2 years I've dated two great guys that both felt I was the best girl in the world yet didn't want to spend the rest of their lives with me.  And so I'm thinking, "Will I ever find anyone here?"  And this aspect of my dating life, the fact that I'm 28 and not married with no potential while my High School students marry and have kids, is depressing. 

So needless to say, I'm frustrated with my job, my lack of a dating life, and my town.  And I'm ready for a change. I just feel like I'm to the point where I won't ever really be happy here.  Which leads me to the twisted view I have of God.  I'm so afraid that God won't let me go.  That I won't get a job somewhere else, that I'll be left to live my life alone.  I'm afraid that this is all God has for me. 

Which leads me to next problem...I know that I'm suppose to be content in whatever state I find myself, but how is that possible?  How can you feel content when you are miserable.  How can you feel content when you are lonely?  How can you feel content when you feel like your life is making no impact?  How can you feel content when you can't quench the natural God given urges within you?

So why do I feel this way?  Why do I feel like God doesn't want me to move somewhere else or get married when others do it all the time?  I don't know what shaped this view of God, but most importantly I don't know how to change it.  Because in my life, it's never happened.  The good never lasts.  The people I love leave me and move on, and I"m left here to deal.

I love God, and I know He has my best interest at heart...or at least that's what I say.  I can look back over the past and see that God has saved me from bad situations but for once...I don't want there to be a bad situation to be saved from...I just want a good situation to fall into.  I don't doubt that God will work great wonders, I just wonder how many of them will be in my life.

And I hate to seem so negative nancy.  I know that I've been blessed beyond measure.  I have a roof over my head, I have a family who loves me, and I know that God does love me and is my savior, although sometimes I mixed up about our relationship.  I just don't know how to change this perception...

I was afraid to give you my heart,
Afraid you would break it in two.
But I just couldn't help myself;
I fell in love with you.

And now you say it's over,
That it's just not where you should be.
But sitting on the ground
Nothing but tears and ashes all around
That's where you left me...

I watched your things burn.
Breathed in the smoke of the remains.
The shirt from the trip to the beach,
The letter you sent that one week,
I watched it all just slip away.
Now there's nothing left but a charred mess,
Nothing in which to cling.
I may have burned these things --
But I can't burn away the memories.

I hate that I love you.

I hate that talking to you makes me feel better.

I hate that the fire of hope won't die.

I hate that I can't stop wishing.

I hate that the idea of talking to you makes me feel better but thinking it may be the last time makes me sick to my stomach.

I hate that I don't want to be your friend because I can't be more.  But I can't imagine not being your friend even if I can't be more.

I hate that I can't move on and terrified you will.

I hate that I want to move, but I don't want to move for you because I'm scared it won't be enough for you.

I hate that you can't see what I see. 

I hate that you can't be certain.

I hate having faith in you and not in "us."

I hate crying and being confused, especially when I think one day it may not even matter.

I hate caring.  I hate feeling.  I hate remembering.

Most of all, I hate being me without you.

I've done a lot of forgiving in my life.  I've forgiven others, forgiven people who didn't even know they needed forgiving.  I've even forgiven myself on occasion.  Never once did I think I may need to tell God I forgive Him.  That probably seems sacrilegious to most.  But nonetheless, I did.

With my past breakup I teetered on the edge of anger with God.  Not anger as in "I'll never serve You again." Anger as in, "I trusted You that things would be better, that I wouldn't get hurt again."  I felt as if God had let me down.  He allowed me to walk into a relationship that I and anyone else you would have asked thought was finally the right one.  And out of nowhere it ended.  And I was left looking heavenward and asking God, "How could You do this to me?"  I remember begging God, "Please, not again."  And yet His answers is "Yes, again."

Like I said, I'm sure no one else is cocky enough to question the almighty God, but I did.  I felt like I was in a repeat performance of a previous break up, and I couldn't understand why the sovereign power that was suppose to protect me was allowing me to endure yet another heartbreak.

But once I had wallowed in my misery for a little while, I realized it was time to forgive God.  I knew deep down His intentions were not to hurt me but to teach me and to lead me to something better.  And so I simply told God that I forgave him for not acting as I expected Him.  I forgave Him for allowing hurt to come to my life.  I forgave Him for knowing what was best and yet not revealing to me the reasons why. 

But in that forgiveness I also accepted His forgiveness.  His forgiveness for questioning Him and doubting His love and sovereignty in my life.  I accepted His forgiveness for allowing my selfishness to see only my despair and not the possibilities to come.

I still question why, just about every other day.  I'm still confused, and I've yet to see a reasoning for any of it. However I don't blame God.  I don't blame anyone.  It's just life, just the journey that molds me and forms my personality. It's not easy; it's certainly not without its heartaches. But it is what it is. Accepting it is the only way to live peacefully.

The Everyday Stuff

1. How exciting!  The cardinals won the World Series.  I know you are happy about that.
2. So you know you told me about that movie "Mud" they are filming in Arkansas.  Well Matthew McConaughey is staying at Harlow's!!  They guy of my dreams, well besides you of course, is only 10 minutes away from me!!
3. I'm really upset about my mom.  Will you just give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be ok.

The Major Stuff

1. This break up is stupid.  Your miserable, I'm miserable.  Why can't we just end the misery and be together?
2. It's not fair that you can break up with me and with that decision take people that I really care about out of my life as well.  This isn't just about you and me.  It's about your family and your church family that I have grown to love.  I miss them too!
3. One of the girls from your church even posted on my FB page that she missed me.  Why can everyone see this but you?
4. Why can't we work through this together?  Why won't you let me help you?
5. Why do you get to make the decision of what you and I both deserve. So what if you think you don't deserve me.  I do!
6. How come it took 2 of us to decide to be together, but only 1 of us to end it.
7. What if I just downright refuse to let you walk away from me!